Holistic therapy
Am I enough?
Feeling not good enough is something many of us know well. Perhaps you have asked yourself this question too. Maybe not in these exact words, but the feeling is familiar.
“I could have done more.”
“I should have handled it better.”
“Why couldn’t I do it?”
“Everyone else manages just fine.”
“I just need to try a little harder.”
And so we try harder.
We try to be better employees, better partners, better parents, better friends. To get more done. To do better. Not to make mistakes. Not to let anyone down.
But how much is enough?
And when does the moment come when we can tell ourselves: that’s enough now. I am enough.
Where does feeling not good enough come from?
We are not born believing that we are too little or that we should be something more. We learn to see ourselves largely through other people.
Already as children, we receive many messages about ourselves. First from our parents, later in kindergarten and at school, from friends and partners, and eventually from working life, society and the media.
“Be good.”
“Try again.”
“You could have done better.”
“Look how well they can do it.”
One way or another, the message follows us: faster, higher, further.
And so we may start feeling not good enough – feeling that what we do and who we are is not quite enough.
Maybe I didn’t do enough → I wasn’t good enough → I wasn’t enough → I am not enough.
The inner whip
At some point, nobody else needs to tell us that we could try harder. We already do it ourselves.
A kind of inner whip appears, driving us to do even more, take on more responsibility, achieve and prove more. All so that we can finally feel it – now I am enough.
Once I get this done, I’ll be satisfied. Once I reach the next goal, maybe then it will be enough.
But strangely, that “enough” keeps moving a little further away.
And perhaps beneath it all lies a deeper question:
Am I loved and accepted even when I don’t do or achieve as much as is expected of me?
What if I make a mistake? What if I disappoint someone? What if I don’t have the strength? What if I say “no”? What if I can’t help another person?
Feeling not good enough when we can’t help
Feeling not good enough can hit us especially hard when something happens to someone we care about.
We want to help. To fix. To save.
But we can’t always.
And then a familiar chain may start inside us:
I couldn’t help → I didn’t cope → I wasn’t enough.
The inner whip picks up speed:
“I should have noticed sooner.”
“I should have done more.”
“I should have been able to prevent it.”
But does being enough really mean that we have to do everything right, know everything, be able to fix everything, save everyone and always get the outcome we want?
We cannot control everything that happens to us, to our loved ones and around us.
We can do what we know and are able to do in that moment, and give it our best. And sometimes we also have to accept that it is not enough to change the situation. Because we simply cannot do everything.
But that does not mean that we ourselves are not enough.
What does being enough really mean?
Being enough does not mean that we shouldn’t grow or that we can’t have goals. Nor does it mean that everything we do is always right.
We can make mistakes, get things wrong and learn. Do something differently next time. Ask for help. Sometimes get tired and not get everything done.
And still be enough.
Right now, we are who we are – with the knowledge, skills, experiences, opportunities and strength we have today.
Tomorrow we may know more or be able to do something better than today.
But that does not make today’s me any less valuable or any less enough.
Questions to ask yourself
- Do you sometimes feel that you are not enough?
- Do you know where this feeling began?
- Whose voice tells you that you should do more, cope better or get more done?
- What are you afraid will happen if you can’t?
And perhaps the most important question of all:
What would change in your life if you no longer had to prove that you are enough?
If feeling not good enough has become a heavy burden, you don’t have to carry it alone. Read also how a holistic approach can help with depression, or find reliable information about mental health from the World Health Organization.